Another day with the kids at home or working with a class of students at school. One child begins to bump another child with their elbow while playing on the floor. One burps loudly, apologises, and then does it over and over again. A child starts to run around the room, flapping and clucking like a chicken. These behaviours all have something in common. They are all often labelled as attention seeking behaviours.
When these behaviours pop up, you may often find yourself asking “Why?” “Why, on earth, is that child doing that?” “Don’t they realise they are annoying others?” “Don’t they realise they are being disruptive?” The general answer to these questions is that they are trying to communicate something about their need to be seen. Unfortunately, in that moment, their communication is not very clear and is almost always taken the wrong way.
Attention seeking behaviours can be seen as misguided attempts for connection.
They are misguided as often the behaviour being used ends up with the opposite result to what the child needs in that moment. Often the child is ignored or sent to their room or away from others. They are denied the connection they crave.
What to do About Connection Seeking Behaviours?
Try following these three steps to respond to cildren who are trying to connect in a challenging way.
Step One- Let’s repeat again, “Attention seeking behaviours are misguided attempts at connection.”
Now sit back and try repeating that statement to yourself over and over. Make it a mantra that you can draw on when the frustrating behaviours begin. “That child wants to connect with me.” “That child feels like he needs me right now.” “That child is choosing me to reach out to.”
By hearing, “he wants to connect with me,” we can experience the behaviour quite differently.
“Every time you hear yourself say, that kid is “attention seeking”, replace it with that kid is “connection seeking”, and watch your perspective change”. ⠀-Dr. Jody Carrington
Before responding the child’s (likely annoying) behaviour, let yourself be filled with the warmth that that child wants to be in relationship with you and the people around you.
Step Two- Let the child know, you see them, you hear them and understand
Let the child know you have noticed their communication by trying to reflect what the child is communicating.
“You really want Henry to look at you right now.”
“I’m on my phone and you feel like I’m not here with you.”
For teachers, “It’s hard to feel involved in this task.” (and therefore, with me and the class)
Step Three- Suggest a better way to connect
Think of this as a teaching moment. You are helping show them a more positive and desirable way to get what they need. A way that works for everyone.
Ask them to complete a task that would be helpful for both of you. In a class group this may be giving them the job up the front of helping turn the book pages or going to them to let them know you have seen them and can help them refocus.
At home this might include coming and choosing the next vegetable you need to chop up for dinner or collecting some things you need from another room.
There can be times, such as when we are on the phone or sending an email for work that we cannot give the child instant connection. In these times it can be important to still acknowledge what they want, you really want me right now…… “Follow this up with Setting clear boundaries such as I’ll set the clock for 10 minutes and when the buzzer goes off I’ll be ready to read that book with you.”
Have you heard before that You Should Ignore Attention Seeking…..?
There may be some of you who learnt the old view – ignore behaviours you do not want. Ignore attention seeking and it will go away. I just want to address this concept for a moment.
When we ignore a child, who is reaching out to connect we are giving them messages such as I won’t connect with you. We might think we are saying I won’t connect with you when you are being silly. But if the child doesn’t know another way, if they, in that moment, can’t ask for help, can’t say did you notice me? They might see that response as saying, “every time you ask for me, I’m going to be unreliable and likely not want you? Ask yourself, will this really help if the child doesn’t understand how to go about connecting better?
Children will almost always choose behaviours that WILL work for them, if they know what those behaviours are.
Focus on a child’s need for connection and teach them positive ways to achieve it.
How Play Therapy Can Help
If you know a child who often shows big behaviours and has challenges connecting with others but feel overwhelmed at how to help, Play Therapy may be a useful support for your family. Play Therapy allows children to explore their social and emotional world in a safe environment and in relationship with a trained therapist. The therapist can help the child to uncover the complexities of their relationships, unpack their feelings, understand the needs of themselves and others and build the skills for later success.