Children are emotional creatures at the best of times. They can be content one instant, excited the next and shortly after quickly melting down into an uncontrollable mess. Their feelings seem to flow and change along with each moment. Sometimes circumstances can amplify their emotional experience. These might be challenges they face, unpredictable events, causes of stress or experiences of change and loss. In these challenges the flow of their emotions becomes more of a rollercoaster, full of loops and seemingly unpredictable bends.
The pandemic is a huge, life changing situation that is plunging most families and children, into an altered reality. It is a situation where many are feeling a deep sense of loss. Plans for the year have been put on hold. The normal everyday routines we have stuck to for years are thrown into chaos. The people we are so used to seeing and visiting are only available to see on zoom. As with adults, children too have had their worlds turned upside down. No hanging out with friends, no playdates, no school. For those living in areas where Coronavirus is less prevalent life may be moving more like normal but they may still be feeling the loss of freedoms such as being able to travel and be with loved ones in other states or overseas.
Where we find loss, there is grief. Grief is not a straightforward process and it can appear different for everyone. While expressing grief can vary in many ways in 1969 A psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kübler-Ross developed the Kübler-Ross Model of Grief. This model provided an outline for the grieving process. She believed grief contained 5 stages.
5 Stages of Grief
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
According to this model, people who are grieving do not spend a standard amount of time in each stage before moving to the next. Over time, someone experiencing grief, can move in and out of stages and even back to stages they had passed. Acceptance one day, denial the next, bargaining several days later before arising in a different order again.
Children and Grief
In the Pandemic, children’s grief may be focused around different things to that of an adult. It will reflect the child’s world view of what they have lost. One child’s main concern may be not being able to go to school, another is not seeing a favourite family friend. A third child may be missing the structure of their pre-pandemic routine while a fourth may be feeling the loss of outdoor movement and play. Many children may be feeling a combination of these losses.
Below I have explored some examples of the five stages of grief and how they may present in children.
Denial
Denial works to shield us from the enormity of a loss. By denying some of what may be occurring we give ourselves the opportunity to deal with smaller, more manageable parts of our grief at any one time. Denial is a way of avoiding some of the feelings that might be associated with the loss. It is a defensive strategy that can work for a small amount of time but eventually it is important that we move on to explore our true situation and feelings.
In denial the child may play down the significance of their loss.
Examples:
Child: It’s cool, it’s extra time off school.
Child: It doesn’t matter, I do not want to go outside anyway.
Anger
Anger is a passionate emotional response that works to mask our true feelings. While someone may be feeling sad, confused, and scared it may feel more comfortable in that moment to feel anger. Anger usually looks to place blame on someone or something for the loss.
Anger can often bring some difficult non-verbal expression with it. Stomping feet, hitting things and other big body movements often go hand in hand with angry and uncontrolled outbursts.
Examples:
Child: You (the parent) just won’t let me go to school. Your making me stay home.
Child: If that boy with Coronavirus had not come to school everything would have been fine.
Bargaining
The bargaining stage of grief sees people trying to regain control and affect the outcome of the situation. IN this stage some people try and make deals with professionals such as doctors or seek divine intervention. Many children may try and make deals with people in their more immediate lives such as teachers and parents.
Examples
Child: If I eat my vegetables, you have to let me see ……. Tomorrow.
Child: If I can just see …. I will be happy and come home and do all of my schoolwork, even extra schoolwork.
Child: I’ll do my schoolwork when I go back to school.
Depression
The depression stage can bring on feelings of hopelessness. In depression it often feels like there is nothing we can do to move past our loss. It can bring on feelings of tiredness and leave people wanting to withdraw from others. Depression can make us lose interest in things that we would usually enjoy.
Examples:
Child: I’m never going to be able to see my friends again.
Child: We are all just going to get sick and die.
Child: I am too tired to do my online dance-lesson. It’s not fun at home.
acceptance
Acceptance is not the removal of grief but simply a stage of being more at peace with the circumstances. While children may be still feeling a strong sense of loss, they are able to know what their day will look like, within the loss, and find things to enjoy. In the acceptance phase it is easier for people to see ways to continue on without the thing they have lost.
Examples
Child: I like having more time at home with you.
Child: Wile I am home learning I can…. (It’s not forever)
Supporting Children Through Stages of Grief and Loss
As children travel through the different stages of grief, it is good for them to know they are not alone, There are many ways that parents/guardians can support children to positively identify and respond to the emotions of their loss. Additionally, there are ways to help support children’s physical and practical needs in these times
Below I have provided some suggestions that you may wish to try with your own child.
Listen Without Judgement
Be ready to listen to your child’s experience. And then probably listen to it again and again. Let them know that all emotions are acceptable, anger, sadness, happiness, fear, relief, disappointment and that their experience is their own and does not have to be the same as anyone else.
When having these conversations, not judging can come in the form of listening but not contradicting what the child says. If a child says they miss school it could feel like an adult is telling them that they should not if the response is, “no you don’t, you don’t even like school that much.” In this response the parent is likely trying to make the child feel better by downplaying the loss. To the child it may feel like they are being told their loss is not valid.
Name It to Tame It
Psychiatrist Dan Siegel coined the phrase “Name it to Tame it,” when speaking about emotions. The phrase represents how when we managed to find the right label for emotions and speak them out loud, we move closer to being able to accept them and feel centred or in control while in that emotion. Try putting words to what children experience. You are really upset that you cannot play with the kid next door. It seems unfair to you. You are angry that you are not allowed to play with him.”
Look After Their Physical Health
Our bodies are closely tied to our mind and our emotions. One way to ensure we have the best chance of feeling emotionally well is to make sure we get enough exercise, sleep and aet well. During emotional times we can lose track of sleep routines and indulge in some extra comfort eating. Help your child stay physically healthy in their grief by planning walks and movement into their day. Ensure the cupboard has lots of foods that are good for their bodies and that there is an established sleep routine.
Establish a New Normal
Loss of familiar routines can cause havoc to our stress levels and sense of safety. Rather than leaving the day empty look to establish new activities and things to look forward to and give structure to our lives. This might include having a predictable schedule for children on the home learning activities they will do or a set time for going for a walk. It might also mean replacing once a week activities like swimming or gymnastics with an activity that can be learnt from home.
Remember, routines can be amazing to help with loss but balance it with the need for rest, play and exercise. Do not try and schedule to many things into the day or week or it may be counterproductive.
Stay Connected
Another part of loss in the pandemic is the loss of connection with people and our communities. While face to face playdates may not be allowed for everyone right now, try and find different, meaningful ways for children to connect with others. Use video platforms to chat and play games, write letters, make things you can deliver and consider what you could do to help bring a smile to the face of people you know.
Enjoy the Acceptance Phase of Grief
While many children will stay in this grief cycle throughout the pandemic it does not mean everyday will be a challenge. There will be times when the child feels at ease and is within the acceptance phase of grief. Explore and marvel at the new opportunities that the change may have bought. For some this might mean getting to spend more time doing a hobby, for others it might be a new activity such as a family boardgame night. Enjoy this time together.
Play Play Play
If you think to keep your kids busy, don’t cram their day too full of schoolwork. Play is the natural way that children express themselves. Through lay they explore their inner worlds and their experiences. Play gives them a true outlet for their feelings and understandings of the pandemic. Children will explore through play instinctively if given the time and space to do so. For some this might mean dolls or Lego, dress-ups or fort building. For others, play might mean creating and making with Art. There is no wrong way for a child to play.
It is likely that most children are feeling a sense of grief and loss right now. That grief and loss may present in many different ways and their reaction to it may change day to day, moment to moment. As parents we can support children in their experience. We can help them recognise and put words to their experience, make sure they look after themselves and help them to focus on being mindful of the things they can do. By supporting children to navigate this challenge we will help them cope with individual stages and spend more and more time in the acceptance phase of grief.
When to Get Help
If your child shows ongoing signs of Grief, consider seeking professional assistance from a mental health professional such as a play therapist. An indication that the challenge of their grief is feeling too overwhelming include their losses being the main focus of their attention for a sustained time and an inability to fully engage in and enjoy daily activities. a mental health professional can support you and your child with further strategies and approaches to resolving individual difficulties.
If you are unsure how to speak to kids about the coronavirus take a look at our past blog: How to Talk to Kids About Coronavirus.