Month: March 2020 | The Play Therapy Project

You’re Doing Great! Good Enough Parenting in Self-Isolation

I keep seeing all sorts of plans on Facebook for keeping busy in self-isolation with your kids. Craft projects, cooking ideas, home-schooling strategies and even the suggestion my child and I could learn a new language together. While I don’t know about that one, we’ve started off alright. I’ve bought resources and given my child close to my full attention for the last week. But….. as we get further and further into the reality of the covid-19 crisis and days practicing self -isolation threaten to become weeks and months I wonder how long I will be able to keep it all up!

I’m finding myself tonight taking a deep breath and reminding myself about Good Enough Parenting.

In the 1950’s a British Paediatrician and Psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott concluded that parents needed to be accurate and emotionally attuned to their children’s needs approximately 20-30% of the time. This is what he came to refer to as, “the good-enough mother,” now more commonly referred to as good enough parenting. This phrase, “good-enough” was not a slight or a suggestion that all parents needed to be achieving at least this level of parenting to be considered acceptable. The phrase indicates the parenting style that Winnicott believed would produce the best parenting outcomes. He saw the “good enough” parent as being what all children need to create supported and resilient children ready for the challenges of life.

That’s right, he believed that imperfection is perfect in parenting!

Each time our children have to wait for our attention, we tell them that there’s nothing else on the menu for dinner, we get frustrated and raise our voice, or we choose our own needs over theirs , such as refusing to play another game of checkers we are giving them a little, but manageable taste of the challenges that arise in life. We are giving them the opportunity to experience struggle and learn how to experience and respond to the realities and emotions of that situation.

We are not breaking our children every time they feel disappointment. As long as we have their best interests at heart and are doing our best to meet their physical and emotional needs Winnicott suggests they should thrive.

This pandemic will push everyone to their limits, especially our kids. Knowing this I am going to continue to try and support my child even more than normal. However, I am going to let the theory of good enough parenting remind me that it is okay, even beneficial for him to not have my attention all of the time. It is okay for him to run out of activities and be bored. It is okay for him to get frustrated. It is okay for him to see me put my needs first. And it is okay for me to sneak the last pieces of chocolate and then pretend I have no idea at all what happened to it!!!

Relax any perfect parent expectations you have right now. Do the best you can and know that we are being good enough, which is absolutely great!

Brain Care – Tips for Using routines and Predictability to Create Safety and Security

My house is filled with craft supplies, puzzles and boardgames! I’m prepared, with things for my child to do to keep him busy.

This might be the sort of thing you also find yourself thinking at this time as an extended holiday break, at home, looms closer. If so, like me, you might also be thinking, I’m prepared but what is it all really going to look like.

One way to help kids feel safe, secure and in control over this holiday is to make sure that each day has some routine. Our brains, and our kid’s brains, are threatened when things are less predictable and unknown. Adding routine into the day can provide a sense of safety in these unsettling times. It can also help us add organisation to our plans for our Art Supplies and games.

I’m not the first to suggest this, nor will I be the last. However, I do feel the real question at the moment is what might a routine for staying at home look like? And what might need to be considered when putting one together?

Using both my teacher background and my knowledge of childhood mental health, I have put together what I feel are essential considerations for putting together a routine with your child

Involve Kids With Choice

I can just imagine spending hours on creating a beautiful routine chart for my child only to have them look and say, I’m not doing that! This might happen even if you are offering up activities that you know your child loves. In times where life might be feeling a bit out of control some children will try and take some of that control back with the word “No”

Combat this by creating the routine with your child rather than for them. Allow them choices in what is planned for each day. There are bonus’s to doing this. Allowing choice will give them more ownership and responsibility towards the routine. You will also be helping them with skills in executive functioning areas such as organisation and time management..

What Does Giving Choice Look Like?

Providing choice to your child/children over the day’s routine can be as simple as changing the wording you use with them to allow choice..

Try and avoid:

, “Do you want to do Art and Craft? (o)

Instead try:

Would you like to choose reading a book or doing a drawing after lunch?

Would you like to do Art and craft in the morning or afternoon?

To make sure you are able to offer your child choice on the routine make sure you first sit down and work out is negotiable and what is non-negotiable. It is okay and completely reasonable to say that you want some reading time to be put into each day and/or limits on TV time. Creating the routine with your child does not leave them to make all of the decisions. Doing it together means that you can share control over the plans for the day.

Be Flexible

Sometimes your child might be so happy doing one activity and time comes along to change, or you realise something else needs to be completed and you have a lot less time than you expected. Don’t be afraid to be flexible with the routine. Some ways to allow for flexibility include the following:

Not packing your routine with “too much” or tight time frames. When doing this consider that primary school often breaks their day into three blocks consider doing the same and/or also adding a fourth block to cover that afterschool/before dinner time!
Adding activity categories to the routine rather than specifics. For example, add “reading” as an activity rather than, “Read home reader, or practice on Sunshine books.

We all know that things happen and sometimes plans need to be altered or even dropped altogether. If your child has been in a fairly regular routine this will work towards building the safety and security, they need to deal with changes that need to occur.

What to Include in A Daily Routine

People will have different opinions on this depending on what they are trying to achieve and what they are considering when planning for it. My biggest aim for now, in these stressful times, is simply to provide activities that will interest and engage my child and help to look after his physical and emotional health. Later, particularly once schools put out homework expectations my aim will be to balance those two needs together.

For now, these are some of my main suggestions:

Include movement and exercise

kids do not sit still well. Their bodies need to be used, moved and stretched. Movement and exercise are good for releasing energy and helps the body to produce feel good hormones. Where you are still accessing outside areas chances to walk, run, bike ride and so forth should be taken advantage of. For inside options consider children’s yoga, cosmic yoga has many “watch and do” episodes available on YouTube. You can also play games like Simon says where you ask your child to do movement on the spot, hold dance parties and set up indoor obstacle challenges.

Allow for Messy Play and Exploration

I have known some parents that really don’t like doing messy play at home. Messy play is good for learning, for brain integration and sensory processing but there is not just one way to do it. Doing messy play does not have to look the same for all households. Before putting messy play into your routine stop and think about what types and approaches to messy play you are comfortable with and what might be off-limits.

To get started take a look at this list and see which ones you would be happier to set-up and let your kids do: paint, sand, water, slime, playdough, rice tray, clay, cut and paste

Plan for Rest

Try not to overdo it. Make sure down-time, break time, free choice time are all part of the plan. And INSIST that free choice means you get free choice over what you do as well!

Make Sure The Routine Can be Seen

Whatever you decide to add to your routine it is important to have it available for your child/children to look at. Consider making a visual routine board that can be changed each day. For older Kids this might be as simple as listing it on a whiteboard, for younger kids it can also be great to have a picture or image that shows what’s next. You can discuss how to display your routine together!

Good luck to everyone as we all venture into more extended time outside our usual routines! Hopefully it won’t take us all long to find a new rhythm.

How to talk to kids about Coronavirus

I think I have talked all morning about toilet paper and the Coronavirus!!

In some conversations I have laughed. in some I have discussed facts. In others tried to work out what a pandemic, or quarantine, might mean to me and my family. As an adult I see so much uncertainty, confusion and some outright panic over the Coronavirus.

As the reality on Coronavirus as a pandemic grows, I am starting to think about the information my 5 year old may be exposed to and what his understanding and feelings might be about this health crisis.

Here is my 5-step plan for exploring the Coronavirus with my child. The plan is built around the social and emotional needs of children and their developing brains when they perceive a possible threat.

I think I have talked all morning about toilet paper and the Coronavirus!

Step One: Get the facts.

Do a bit of research to check that what you know and have heard about the Coronavirus is accurate. Know you are telling your child the truth straight up. Be confident in the answers that you give him. Don’t be the dad from the Telstra add telling his son that the Great Wall of China is “”to keep the rabbits out!!” (If you don’t know this famous Telstra advert from 2005 of a Dad explaining facts to his child you can check it out on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yckqyg75oE )

Our brains take in so much information, not jus what we are told. Our brains are trained to look for inconsistencies. If we tell kids “things are fine,” but they are seeing people panic this will register as a threat in your child’s brain causing stress and worry. Factual information, provided in a developmentally appropriate way, is the most protective way to go.

Step Two: Get your kids story.

Ask them what they already know and are curious about. It will probably sound something like this:

“Hey, have they been talking about washing your hands at school and ways to help people not get sick? I wonder why they think it is so important.”

This can set the discussion up as a conversation that they are able to lead. Maybe your child already knows what they need to know and is not concerned at all. If so, leave it open, let them know if they want to talk to you about it at all or have any questions they can come to you at any time.

If they do have some things they are curious or worried about move on to step 3!

Step Three: Discuss things they have heard or seen in relation to the virus.

Ask a lot of “Why do you think they are doing that?” type statements.

“Yes, we did see that guy last week wearing a mask over his face. Why do you think he was wearing that. What did you think when you saw him wearing it?”

When kids don’t know the facts they will often fill in the gaps themselves with their own stories. Asking kids for their opinion and thoughts first can help you to uncover any misconceptions they have. misconceptions are the thoughts and ideas that are going on in their head that aren’t accurate and might be causing them worry. Once you know what they are thinking you can help set the facts straight.

You might find some of these misconceptions are about new words they are hearing. Get prepared to explain what a pandemic is as well as the meaning and purpose of quarantine and/or self-isolation.

Step Four: Combat uncertainty and worry about the future by having a clear plan.

Explain that it can be good to have a plan for these things if they do happen. Ask if you can come up with a plan together. Some kids may be happy to discuss it, others may want to write it down.

Things that you might put in your plan include:

Names of people or services you can contact for getting groceries or other items
Activities that you can all do if in quarantine
Steps you would take if someone became sick

Step Five: Discuss what kids can do.

In events that might cause worry and uncertainty, it is important that children feel they have some control over the situation and that there is something they can do. The last step in the plan is to discuss what part children can play in reducing the spread of Coronavirus right now.

Kids are more likely to act if they feel ownership of the ideas and what they are doing. Start by asking your child what sorts of things they , and kids like them , could do to help stop the germs from spreading. Your final list should end up a bit like this:

Wash our hands with soap and water. This is the absolute best way to stop germs from spreading. Washing hands is very important before and after eating and after going to the bathroom.
If we need to cough, cough into a tissue or elbow. This helps to stop germs from flying out of our mouths onto others or onto our hands.
Put tissues straight in the bin, don’t leave them lying around
Use hand sanitiser when soap and water are not available
Try not to touch our faces, ears,, noses, mouths are all places where germs like to enter our bodies. (Up to you but I will definitely include a discussion on not picking your nose with my 5 year old!)
He can also politely remind our friends and others to do these things too!

Children do not always find it easy to talk. As news of the Coronavirus spreads and children become more exposed to discussions, information and the emotions people are feeling around the Coronavirus watch for signs of stress in their actions and behaviours. When new things come up, check-in with them again, and see if they have any new questions or concerns to share.

The Power of Flags – What does it mean that there is no disability flag?

I was cruising through websites last week and came across some flags and symbols in a footer that made me smile. The flags included the Aboriginal flag, Torres Strait Islander Flag, LGBTI diversity flag, a flag representing the Transgender community (One I had not been aware of) and a symbol often associated with people with disabilities. I smiled because it felt so accepting to see such a simple acknowledgement of people from diverse communities. It felt like the website was saying we openly welcome everyone and recognise the interactions of all people with our organisation.

the representation and acknowledgement of people with disabilities is a symbol that to many says “toilet.”

It did, however, also get me thinking. The flags looked so nice and then there was also the blue square with the stick figure sitting in a curved letter C illustrating a person in a wheelchair and representing accessibility. I inwardly cringed a little thinking that the representation and acknowledgement of people with disabilities is a symbol that to many says “toilet.”

It got me thinking and wondering why there is not an internationally recognised flag of people with disability. Flags encourage communities to express, “we are proud of who we are,” so why is there no flag representing this population?

Why Flats Matter:

They are not just a symbol but a way a group can portray itself to the rest of the world
They encourage pride in who we are and in what the flag represents to us
They represent the ideals, ambitions and values of the people who stand with them
They provide a quick visual communication of acknowledgement, acceptance and welcome when displayed by others outside the community

I jumped on google just in case I had missed something. I found that in 2015 on the International Day of Disability, a design for a Flag to represent people with disabilities had been presented to the United Nations. The flag was designed by Eros Recio, from Valencia, the first professional dancer with Down syndrome. The three colours represent three categories of disability, Physical, Psychic and sensory. The colours take inspiration from the colours used for medals in sports competitions, colours that celebrate achievement and ability.

More curious than ever, I could find only the one reference to this event and this flag. I couldn’t find anything to suggest it had been adopted as a recognised flag in any way. So, I emailed the United Nations to ask them about it. They have not gotten back to me yet.

As a child therapist I started to wonder about how this might affect children with disability and even children without disability. We send such positive messages to children by showing them flags and explaining who and what they represent. What message is sent by the absence of a flag?

Without a flag:

How can children with disability portray themselves to the rest of the world?

How can children with disability demonstrate their pride in who they are and what being a person with a disability represents to them?

What do they use to show they stand with the ideals, ambitions and values of this community?

What can organisations without disability do to provide a quick visual communication of acknowledgement, acceptance and welcome to children with disabilities?

In my experience knowing and working with people with disabilities, building a positive self- identity that includes disability is a challenge that begins in childhood. It is a challenge that is real in a world where disability often means low expectations and discrimination. I wonder what difference it could make for children and people with disability to have a flag that represents pride in who they are?

A few activities that children could do around this topic include:

Collecting the symbols and images that they can find related to disability and exploring their response to each image. This could be expanded by considering how each image could be improved.
Colouring Eros Recio’s flag and writing words or statements about the ideals, ambitions and values that may be represented in a flag that promotes pride of disability.
An art project creating their own flag that represents disability